I Want To

Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. What if I want to go more past those miles? Life is never what it seems. At least I have learnt that in the past few weeks. I had the privilege of taking a step back. To see a bigger picture. Picture of a thousand white roses. Up to date, I hardly understand why I started loving such a phrase. ‘A picture of a thousand white roses’. A friend asked me why I thought people get depressed over small manageable issues. And funny enough my mind was in fact, depressed. I wish I was bold enough to tell that one friend, of my nights, crawled up at edge of my bed, on the floor, the coldness of it all gently warming me up. I wish I had the courage to tell that one friend of the mornings I spend in the shower, with nothing but tears running down. I wish I was bold enough to tell that friend that actually some men cry, get confused, and contemplate suicide more often than not. But what stops them? A hope for a better tomorrow? A prayer silently made in the depths of a man’s deepness? Yet, they wake up, show up to fight another day. I wish that friend saw the tears behind my eyes as I answered that question. You see, depression is never a matter of just a small thing that affects someone. It is the series of small manageable things piercing in the depths of your deepness, drowning you from deep within till the days turn into nights of gasping for a breath, till the nights turn into days of digging inside yourself for just but a smile for others. Yes, for others to see you are okay. You see, every day you wake up knowing you will slit your wrists, cut your ankles, slice up your thighs. But after each day, you go to sleep dreading for tomorrow. Because it starts all over again. A loop of some sorts. You close off, becoming one with music. It keeps one going, I should know. But one thing about thoughts clouding every breath is you just want to feel. It doesn’t matter if its pain, or not. The very essence of dark rooms, solitude, creeps inside you and settles in like a plague. It satisfies you. Even when your phone goes silent for a week, you don’t mind but it eats you up, driving you deeper into the depths of an ocean of solitude. I should know. I wish I told my friend all this and much more, but time is never so generous. Friends seem always busy, even when meeting, just but a few minutes then they are gone. And for those good few minutes, half of them is spent on their phone. You wish your phone was as busy as theirs sometimes. Maybe then you would feel wanted, but for now you are stuck with the coldness slicing through your wrists. You just want to feel, to understand. The feel of being wanted, of being needed. Then the same friends wonder why you rarely go out. It’s perhaps because everyone is always on their phones except you. It’s perhaps because friendship lost meaning along the way. It’s perhaps because people don’t understand friendship anymore.

But what do I know about friendship? I’m just seated here, writing this in my head word by word, as my dear friend chats on the phone even after such a depressing question. I can’t wait to go back my cold, slithering floor, at the edge of my bed, maybe then they will chat with me so vehemently. Maybe I just want to feel more than the depths of an ocean…

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Burn

It burns inside, like lava soothing you from inside.

Picking up a blade to be slit down my wrist has never looked so enticing.

Deep down, I understand why that can’t happen again.

So my mind wonders, to the center of it all.

Where it all began.

An unforgiving solace through my wrists.

A burning desire to feel which I cannot.

In everything, I see darkness sipping through the cracks.

Not in, but oozing out of me.

Nothing but the sensational taste of tantalizing red wine, down my throat.

A new escape, perhaps.

Yet it burns with every swallow.

Waiting for the inevitable, to walk through that door.

I went straight there, as soon as I read it.

Hands sweating, heart beating slower than usual.

Stuck in a familiar offset balance.

We finally figured it out, incomplete creatures under the moon.

A need to be complete, together.

But still miles apart, in the same room.

She led herself in, sitting across the room.

Same room she threw her goodbyes from.

Our eyes locked, unlocking what was violently stored away.

You could feel her pulsating heart a mile way.

Her light blue turquoise dress, flowing on every inch of her.

Inches that once dripped with honey to be savored.

She wanted to confess, of a love.

She earlier excused herself, to wipe of her tears.

Previously my duty, not anymore.

Change is inevitable apparently.

Having silent conversations in-between the silence.

Her lips parted, pausing to allow the last burning wine down my throat.

I’m sorry, I can never live without you

Suddenly, my hands grew weak, letting the glass reach its final destination.

Pausing for a moment.

Because, I, more than anybody knew what the world was, without her.

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Novelty II

She couldn’t keep her eyes off him, as she walked away. Something about him made it special. Perhaps a realization would dawn on her later, that her world is sequentially different without him. It was what she wanted at the time. She was tired of all the fighting, not the fighting for parts. A need to stop the bleeding, she was tearing up from within. Her walls were thick enough, never letting anything through. His love porous-ed its way in, deep into heart void heart. Like a dawn of a rainy day, the spasms of rays light up the sky. Creating spatial rainbows amidst tiny droplets of rain, what is rain really? She asked herself. What’s the use of flying yet chained? She questioned herself. She was chained to her heart, locked down by blindness. She cried for a well written story, not an unfolding one. She was but un-bothered that her story was still being written. Her heart felt cold with each drop of tear that stretched down her cheeks. He disappeared into his dark-ended street. Both oblivious of the street lights, trying to pave him an obvious path back home. What would be the odds? Of both their tears hitting the rugged uneven ground? He would have caught her tears, if she gave him a chance.

But in reality, it was she that needed a chance to save them. But she saved herself. A life of resilience and building from nothing wasn’t in her to-do list. A life laid out already was hers for the taking, a king, a prince of charms, or a well written story ready for her to be edited in. And in that moment, as the rain died down tired from all the down pouring, her phone rang. That well written story, waiting to be picked up. She broke down, tears torrentially pouring down. She knew then that all her walls had broken down, from inside, waiting for his love to do the inevitable, of leaving with him.

For her, as he walked away, she understood his story was just being unfolded. And she would have been beautifully written with it, not edited.

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Novelty

…He wished someone came around and taught him, at that moment. As he walked away from everything he ever knew. As the chills made his spine their rocking chair, something beautiful happened in that dark moment. Willing to go the distance, he traded on. His heart sunk in, his brain shut down. The rush of a warm summer’s breeze filled the air. Even the rain wasn’t coming that evening. It knew better. Just the cover of light clouds dancing on a dark evening sky represented it. Then the street lights came on.

He wished someone came around and taught him, at that moment, how to love past the rejection. The fresh breathe of the first evening star took away the first tear off his right eye. All around were fellow living things, oblivious of the raging emotions crawling their way up his veins. But at the end of each step forward, he felt a sense of relief. His undying spirit: fighting on against oblivion of loathness. To him, she symbolized perfection; an embodiment of richness in serene beauty and breathtaking curvaceous smile.

He wished someone came around and taught him, at that moment, how to breathe in darkness and see the beauty of light seeping through the cracks, to feed his empty basement of a heart. So that one day, he may look up with his teary eyes, and smile.

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That Tired Bench

In a clogged world full of noise, I just want to be immersed in silence.

The depressing, dark-filled silence.

For not many find beauty in it, but agony and pain.

But what is a world without pain?

Would we know love if there was no hate?

Would we know what it felt like being complete without being broken?

So in the middle of that evening, I sat on that silent bench.

As people rushed to catch their evening bus home,

Seemingly to their ever happy homes.

I knew why darkness was beautiful, at that moment.

I understood why the best of time comes after the worst.

It wasn’t the cold evening breeze that made itself felt,

But the promise of a beautiful starry night revealed itself on the horizon.

So I sat there, on a freezing bench, breathing in sets of fresh air with mounts of foulness in it.

It must have silently seen worse days pass by, as I had seen better days come to pass.

And grew tired of them.

Nothing is ever perfect, not even the sincerest smiles of the universe.

Its flaws ensure its beauty never runs dry.

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Slow Down

Slow down, I just want to get lost in your soul. Drown myself inside your love. Hold you tight deep in the night. I want to taste the saltiness of your soul until it becomes my drug. You have no idea what it feels like for you to lay on my chest and the scent of your body intoxicates me. A point where it’s addictive with just the sound of your slow breathes. So before the skies open up in the morning, slow down and let me embrace your love.

As the morning dawns on your sweaty fragranced velvet skin, remind me to trace the edges of your soul on it. Remind me to take my lips for a walk on your boulevard of luscious soft lips; dipped in silk-honey. Your full energy makes broken beautiful; the woman with a broken heart. Take it slow; let me taste the cracks and broken pieces on my tongue. So that as I bleed, I’m reminded of how beautifully broken you are to me. My scars will heal, with just the smear of your silk-honey on my tongue.

And forever I’ll cherish you, because I’d know what it feels like to be hurt, to be broken, and to be beautiful all at once through you, on my tongue every day. So slow down love, remember that reason that led you to my embrace.

 

And when you do find it, let it out with soft moans through your warm lips as I slowly trace your body with my lips. So that when i do reach your lips, it’ll feel like standing with you beneath the stars.

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The Drop

I don’t know what happened.

But when it struck, it struck good.

Her arrows dropped on me.

Yet I wasn’t injured.

Except that one broken arrow, that passed through to my heart.

An arrow full of poison, hurting in all the right ways, in all the loving spots, it hit my heart in a true way.

And I don’t want to ever heal from my wounds, not anymore.

I want to bleed forever.

For my blood to run, overflowing in an ocean.

And if I ever run out of blood, I know she will share hers with me.

Let’s drown inside our blood, an ocean full of love.

Get lost in my love.

Hidden beneath drops of love, I’ll hide you.

And with every drop, we’ll grow stronger, and we’ll grow drunk.

Staring into the reflection of a starry sky, for as long as we can to never remember how deep we are.

For as long as they try to drain our ocean, we’ll always remain with it in us and nothing else.

For our last drop will be a new ocean, in itself, always.

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Promise Me

It’s the last day of a long year.

Nothing has changed, really, to the better.

It is as it was, the first day of the year.

I’m still drowning in my own tears.

I can’t stop because of a heavy heart.

Everything in between the year was as beautiful as the universe itself.

A universe drenched in darkness.

As promises echoed through my veins, my smile got rearranged.

My laughter replaced.

It felt like heaven, the darkness itself.

Somehow it turned into my light.

Something about drowning,

Something about hitting the bottom was liberating.

Something about it was unexplainable.

The only way after hitting the rock bottom, was up.

But I needed to take my rock bottom with me.

For it fired me into everything I was.

A new being, facing anything.

I yearned for everything in-between the darkness and light.

Ships sink for letting water in, not mine.

Sailing with the gods, to let the darkness in,

For it was the source of my light.

Until when I’m full, I’ll drown in her darkness, her broken promises.

And my broken pieces will be liberated into the light of the darkness.

But just promise me to pause, and enjoy the liberation.

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Dream About Me

I get lost in my dreams, but I never stop dreaming.

Thoughts remind me in the morning that I am still human, not an animal.

Painting faces, coloring worlds but my own.

Save the best for last.

Yet my dreams swim alone in dark rooms, pretending.

Pretending it’s a world full of city streets and candles.

I don’t know what happens inside them.

I wish I could.

I wish I did call my dreams, late in the night.

Talk endlessly, living in self-mirages.

I wish I could hear its voices, in my head.

Guiding path of wonder and illusion of what’s to come.

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Shooting Stars

I wish I believed in shooting stars.

Maybe then I’d be living my fantasy.

Only then could I understand.

Why the sky is full of stars, to be wished upon.

I wish I lived in the moments.

Maybe then I’d realize how life sets you apart to your own journey.

I wish I forced my limits to the sky.

Maybe then I would understand what it’s like to be airborne.

I wish I jumped to opportunities.

Maybe then I’d have been far away living my dreams.

I wish life was unfair.

Maybe then I’d have accepted how fair it in its existence.

Life is a journey.

Full of wishes set out free into the universe.

At the end of every sunset, it doesn’t matter where I’m going or where I am.

All that is brought forth into the horizon in each sunrise is the importance.

An importance of whether or not I keep on moving.

The distance in-between serves as a reminder.

A reminder to keep on wishing, to keep on moving, to keep on building, to keep on growing!

After it’s all said and done, nothing will change how it began.

As a wish!

I’ve been drowned in so many wishes, but no regrets in the end.

Life turns out better than the wish of my wishes, every day.

Everyday, the stars keep on shooting.

So why regret and the sky is full of them?

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