I Want To

Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. What if I want to go more past those miles? Life is never what it seems. At least I have learnt that in the past few weeks. I had the privilege of taking a step back. To see a bigger picture. Picture of a thousand white roses. Up to date, I hardly understand why I started loving such a phrase. ‘A picture of a thousand white roses’. A friend asked me why I thought people get depressed over small manageable issues. And funny enough my mind was in fact, depressed. I wish I was bold enough to tell that one friend, of my nights, crawled up at edge of my bed, on the floor, the coldness of it all gently warming me up. I wish I had the courage to tell that one friend of the mornings I spend in the shower, with nothing but tears running down. I wish I was bold enough to tell that friend that actually some men cry, get confused, and contemplate suicide more often than not. But what stops them? A hope for a better tomorrow? A prayer silently made in the depths of a man’s deepness? Yet, they wake up, show up to fight another day. I wish that friend saw the tears behind my eyes as I answered that question. You see, depression is never a matter of just a small thing that affects someone. It is the series of small manageable things piercing in the depths of your deepness, drowning you from deep within till the days turn into nights of gasping for a breath, till the nights turn into days of digging inside yourself for just but a smile for others. Yes, for others to see you are okay. You see, every day you wake up knowing you will slit your wrists, cut your ankles, slice up your thighs. But after each day, you go to sleep dreading for tomorrow. Because it starts all over again. A loop of some sorts. You close off, becoming one with music. It keeps one going, I should know. But one thing about thoughts clouding every breath is you just want to feel. It doesn’t matter if its pain, or not. The very essence of dark rooms, solitude, creeps inside you and settles in like a plague. It satisfies you. Even when your phone goes silent for a week, you don’t mind but it eats you up, driving you deeper into the depths of an ocean of solitude. I should know. I wish I told my friend all this and much more, but time is never so generous. Friends seem always busy, even when meeting, just but a few minutes then they are gone. And for those good few minutes, half of them is spent on their phone. You wish your phone was as busy as theirs sometimes. Maybe then you would feel wanted, but for now you are stuck with the coldness slicing through your wrists. You just want to feel, to understand. The feel of being wanted, of being needed. Then the same friends wonder why you rarely go out. It’s perhaps because everyone is always on their phones except you. It’s perhaps because friendship lost meaning along the way. It’s perhaps because people don’t understand friendship anymore.

But what do I know about friendship? I’m just seated here, writing this in my head word by word, as my dear friend chats on the phone even after such a depressing question. I can’t wait to go back my cold, slithering floor, at the edge of my bed, maybe then they will chat with me so vehemently. Maybe I just want to feel more than the depths of an ocean…

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Bearers

We don’t need permission, just the blessings of the universe.

Nothing can prevent it, not even distance between us.

It’s only the connection we need.

A bond that grows stronger with each passing cloud.

Never to be broken, or thrown away.

What if we fight?

What if we grow distant?

What if we lose sight?

You asked, tears running its course down your eyes.

I failed to answer.

Not for lack of a response, but because I was ready.

To fight for this unbreakable bond, eternally.

To the heavens and back, to hell and straight back, I was ready.

A warm embrace was I could afford.

A journey we both needed to mold together.

A journey of enlightenment needed no rush.

You needed assurances, I had commitment.

You needed security; I had but my soul only to give.

You needed the world; I had but the universe’s vibration to offer.

I became a bearer of some sorts, opening up his soul.

A damaged soul that became light.

A damaged soul that reached deep within, that became love.

So that when you ever lose sight of our love, just look within me.

So that when you ever feel the distant, come and travel beyond me into our universe.

So that when we ever fight, it will be battle to be stopped before it begins.

I bear the silver platter, of tears and battles.

The greatest of them tears would be the tears of seeing you break into oblivion where love doesn’t exist.

Yet, deep down, you bear the power to see a state of equilibrium.

A balance of love and peace, cosigned within the universe itself.

So who are we to never meet, yet the universe needs us to.

No matter where you are, I’m right here.

No matter where I am, you’ll always be right here.

Because as long as we search for the end of the universe,

We will never cease to be the bearers of each other.

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Ropes

It comes rushing in.

Like a beacon of hope, of a cure long waited for.

Like the ranting, of a populous crowd, suddenly stops.

Like a warm ambiance suddenly being ice cold.

Like a tiger finally breathing in, holding on to a breath before jumping on a prey.

Nothing else seems to matter.

Like blood boiling to its temporal points.

It pounces on you.

It doesn’t matter if you called to it.

It just rushes in, devouring every inch of every nerve.

It is more than a want, less of a basic need.

You didn’t need it, but now that it’s there, you can’t seem to go your lifetime without.

You’re courageous, but it seems not to recognize that.

On a constant feeding, never ending to your limits.

Sweat builds up, bringing satisfactory feeling.

Of a position you wanted to be in for so long.

But there you were, next to the edge of the bridge.

Sure with each passing inhale, and exhale.

So you jump.

Sure enough you won’t fly, but trusting enough something will pull you up.

The rope tied to your body.

A security of assurance that once it’s over, it’ll be scrapped off your bucket list.

That rush of adrenaline, the moment you step of a bungee jump.

Realizations creep in, there’s a limit of how low can you go.

The sky has never been a limit.

The cringing limit of how low you can go before bouncing back up is the real question of your ropes to answer.

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Seconds of Composure

At times we feel lost,

Sometimes those times feel like forever,

Lost in a world that doesn’t exist,

Our minds wonder to the edges,

Edges of sharp bends and dark corners,

We can’t say we know where we’re going,

Neither can we say where we are,

And we hardly remember where we’re from,

All we know; our feet are moving,

Always moving forward,

Never stopping to catch a breath,

Scars that tell endless stories,

Of what once was,

But never is,

Scars of what tried to break us,

Trading all for mere seconds of composure,

We wish we had it all,

Of course we did,

Once upon a time,

They help with the insomniac nights,

Those tale-lies we lullaby to ourselves at night,

Anything goes to not stay awake in our dreams,

For they came with iced-darkness,

Yet no one knows who let it in,

The flash of shimmering light!

When we know,

We’ll open our dusty old war-room,

Ready to fight with the light,

In a battle that doesn’t exist!

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Young Man, I’m Just Like You

Dear Young Man,

Let’s get something straight first. I’m not a role model yet, neither am I a mentor, but I can give you something worth thinking over for a minute that will juggle up your mental acuity.

I never had a mentor at an earlier stage, sadly. Yet as man, we need one, as much as our counterparts’ need. So nobody told me why it was wrong to steal exams. No one told me why it was wrong to watch pornography. Heck, no one told me why it was wrong to cheat in a relationship. No one taught me why it was important to treat others right. No one believed I needed the guidance to put on a tie at specific functions, well because society needed that. No one told me why it was wrong to lie. Nobody taught me why I had to pull my pants up. No one took their time to ask me why I was doing the things I was doing. Nobody took their time to talk sense into me through their actions and not words.

A lot of focus has been shifted to the women over the past few decades, but don’t forget that meant a whole generation of young men was left on the side lines, to fend for themselves. So young man, believe it when I say I’ve been through the struggles. It has been real. It has been tough. It gets tougher each day being a young man in the streets. Everyone predisposed of how a young man should and shouldn’t carry himself. Everyone predisposed of how a young man should treat a woman. But no one out there to personally teach us why.

Truth of the matter is young men need to be nurtured. They need to be called to action. To be taught the importance of engaging in positive attributes. Young men need somebody somewhere with conviction to light up their candles as they themselves struggle to do it on their own. We don’t need to be seeing how older men park their big cars in-front of younger women’s bedsitter. Because 10 years from now, the same lady would be a wife to the same young man who’ll believe in what he saw and carry it out as well. We don’t need to be seeing how older men embezzle funds and make fortunes only to be called business moguls and heroes. Because 10 years from now, they will be doing the exact same thing they saw.

So young man, I tell you this for free. Go out there, read as many books as you can. Knowledge broadens your mind, and empties you of ignorance. Take part in empowerment forums for your growth, even it includes the weekends. Don’t worry about it cutting your social life; have it in small quantities with the right people. Save as much as you can, and invest as much as you can sacrifice. Don’t worry; you’ll drink later on your backyard gazebo in your own compound with your own mansion. Invest in real conversations to boost your ability to hold a real relationship intact. 10 years from now, your wife will be praising you to your daughter and motivating your son to be like you. Look for work that you love and love what you do, and it will never feel like work. If not, be an entrepreneur. Go out there and find solutions to society’s problems, make them work. And if you succeed, don’t forget to give back to the same society. If it doesn’t, try and try again till it does. If one way doesn’t work, try another better way to achieve the same goal.

What I believed in was accepting responsibility for any given action, so young man if you ever run into trouble, take responsibility. Ask for forgiveness and be better. If someone wrongs you, trust me, there is no joy in living with a grudge. Forgive quickly, move on and be careful. Dress diligently and leave people wondering why they hadn’t noticed you in the first place. Never loosen up your morals and work ethics because of a raw deal just to make more money, a better one will come the right way and you’ll end up wealthier. Wake up early just to plan your day, week. And above all, always pray when you wake up. Never leave God out of anything that you do.

Yes you may be going through a hard time, but people have hard it worse and harder. So keep your head up, keep on keeping. You think you have demons in your life, people have the devil himself! But they don’t beat themselves down. They get up; they continue fighting the good fight.

I don’t know much young man, because I’m just like you, but I’ve experienced enough, learnt enough to tell you this; IT TAKES TIME, PERSISTENCE, HARD WORK, and SMART WORK AND PATIENCE TO MAKE IT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

Regards,

Fellow Young Man.

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The Last Hello

Rain comes racing down, unclear of its guiding paths.

Great souls convicted by will, them? Convicted by Mother Nature!

Roaring of gods, thunder strikes, rage inside the dark clouds.

Lightening burning through the night skies, without a plan,

Just but one goal, kissing the ground, fast.

Coming across a willow field, matching on in-between its trees,

You played to win, and no amount of life lessons taught you otherwise.

Not even the raging drops, to you it was challenge you needed to win.

Who wins, against a god?

Guided on live set, that whatever piece fell in place today, it was its place.

The night was cold, terrible things happened on its account.

Then the sense of disparity dawned, it meant beautiful things happened just as much!

So why were you so afraid, with every roar that drove in a chilling shiver?

Telling of a tale only you understood.

Amazing how sure you were of everything but!

She said you should move on, love someone new.

Nobody ever means to be hurt again, so you loved her in a new way.

To save yourself still, you loved yourself now, you’ll become that someone.

With each god’s strike, came the flashing lightening, bringing day before your eyes.

The night will be gone, ready to come back again.

The aching aftermath, will be seen, but not now.

For now, the runaway raindrops, deeply trace outlines of your pieces.

That will be placed differently, becoming a new you, to love.

For now, the walk is too tiring not to stop.

Carefully caring for your eyes, without inviting back the other drops!

A constant battle, as the roaring gods finish up, looms up.

Suddenly your knees, too weak to carry the heaviness, give up.

Cold air, rushing in your nostrils, reminds you of the hours.

Staring coldly into the night, the last of the burning lightning strikes through the horizon,

Finding strength, to carry yourself on, until her window was in your horizon,

The last drizzles, reminding you that you are alone, reminding you of the bunch your hands crunched on.

A last goodbye to her, as she opened the door for a hello!

For what it was worth, blocking thoughts of how you met, the flower shop.

While the night sobered up, she needed you to stay, even as her staggering words wanted you to leave.

How could you? On such a cold night, only hate was to be swallowed.

She grabbed your frozen hand relieving it from the little bunch of yellow spring roses.

Both sitting down on the porch, she drove herself underneath her place inside your arm.

Unsettled awareness of her soft nature crept in, just as Mother Nature was after her frenzy.

Things would be different, pieces placed differently,

A different hello, was the last hello you needed!

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Last Night

Last night, you were still there.

Behind the curtain walls, you smiled a disastrously light smile.

Today, as I walked down the stairs, you reminded me.

That you of all would hardly leave, you could have guessed my outright reaction.

Tomorrow, the Sun will shine, brighter than any star embedded deep in your fiery eyes.

Last night, I dined on privileges far reaching beyond my short sightedness.

I was utterly abashed with my inexperience, but I kept up with my eager learning.

Today, the change was overwhelming.

Dismayed, I had to put two and two together as they unfolded.

Tomorrow, always brought with it hope of a continuity of a journey.

Until now, I held firmly to roads less traveled, are better traveled alone!

Last night, you took it upon yourself to change that.

You fascinated over how an eagle was perfectly embodied into its environment.

Today, i engrossed myself in how such a journey lead to its mightiness in the sky.

The very elements of nature, shaping its journey, nurturing its ways, bring it to survival.

Tomorrow, as lay my eyes upon your graced innovated beauty, a blue-star diamond.

A distorted notion, ends can never justify the means.

Last night, you stood high and mighty, infuriated!

By the needs that never come, I was to provide it all, insufficiency on my path.

Today, however!

Charged with allure of being amazed with what you exactly needed versus what you exactly had, were one of the same.

Tomorrow, those stars filled in her tenacious eyes, will resolute.

And hold me captive as I drop down on my knees.

Last night, you finally saw me.

In warmth, I was immersed in its purest form of oblivion, your beauty of a blue-star diamond.

Today, the world smiled back.

From within, it consumed, a consuming fire so beautiful and ugly, it raged.

Tomorrow was light hours away.

Ice, in a cold heart that sought warmth, not the fire that resided in your eyes drew me closer.

Last night, it was accelerated fire, leaving behind nothing but dark soot remains.

Once pale, now it was shielded by a thin veil of authentic truth.

Today, love licks it all off, the soot.

A blazing inferno of cold ice draws me closer, always and forever.

Tomorrow, all that would have survived after its staggering speeds was mine to discover.

What was once beautiful was an enigmatically mysterious beauty now.

Last night, I knew I had forever to be astounded by it.

I wasn’t to off to be blamed as it had finally come to be picked up by me.

Today, it’d go through your slithering soft maiden heart finger.

A symbolic two dolphin-encrusted blue-star diamond ring, to you, to let you be cautious that we needed forever!

Tomorrow would be another day.

Continuously learning to be learnt, of why you said yes, rather than No.

But men, just pause…

Last night, we discovered a something!

Of splitting it into two, each carried by the other, split into always and forever!

Today, was our always!

Always of never being apart!

Tomorrow was ours, forever!

Forever of always being together!

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I Think I’ve Grown Up

I think I’ve grown up, when I start appreciating the warm nights more.

I think I’ve grown up; I no longer have to surge vehemently to watch mid-afternoon cartoons.

I think I’ve grown up; today I woke faster than my alarm, so I don’t need it anymore.

I think I’ve grown up; I no longer have to be sat down just to read an excerpt from a newspaper.

I think I’ve grown up, when I stride past a shop resisting the urge to dig in my pocket for a coin, to buy that juicy cola.

I think I’ve grown up; yesterday I took out the trash in my own accord. Who knew?

I think I’ve grown up, tomorrow is Friday, and my only plan is reading the freshly bought thriller romance novel.

I think I’ve grown up.

I think I’ve grown up, asubuhi ya Leo, I had my first cup of dark coffee. Who would have thought?

I think I’ve grown up, every morning as I tighten that tie perfectly tied around my shirt collar,

I think I’ve grown up, kila jioni, rushing home, occasionally stopping for a firm gripping-hand shake.

I think I’ve grown up, offering critical solutions amidst calamity in pressure-infested environments.

I think I’ve grown up; I no longer tolerate relations of no immediate or longer-period importance.

I think I’ve grown up, when I started counting the number of times a friend was there rather than the number of friends that are there.

I think I’ve grown up, ready now to take on opportunities, because I’ve been in preparation.

I think I’ve grown up.

I think I’ve grown up, leaving behind childhood actions.

I think I’ve grown up, last week I settled all my financial bills, growing up huh.

I think I’ve grown up, stopped beating myself up and actually changed my thoughts.

I think I’ve grown up, indulging in constructive conversations, no small talks.

I think I’ve grown up, drawing closer minds in, ones that see far beyond.

I think I’ve grown up, I do understand not all actions towards self needs a reaction from self.

I think I’ve grown up, after embracing the sensitivity of my nature, yet never allow to be taken for granted.

I think I’ve grown up.

I think I’ve grown up, as I sit, every day, behind the desk, ruthlessly demolishing set responsibilities.

I think I’ve grown up, finally giving credence to monsters existing, being a monster, and letting them win.

I think I’ve grown up, knowing everything will be okay, eventually!

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Gentle-Wrong-Men, Right?

Let’s be not-belligerent here, nothing is ever perfect, especially men in relationships.

The momentum we have in going into a relationship as a man and keeping it up are always indirectly proportional to each other. It’s not, actually, as easy as it sounds for a man to put up with distinct aspects from his life. Deep down, it takes courage for any man, in whichever age-bracket, to come to terms with failure. Even more so when it comes to admitting it in front of a woman he loves. Therefore, many times a man will need not to be judged by his woman. Some say the strength of a woman is not in what she has endured or achieved in her life, but in how much she has uplifted her man when he was nothing but a dead beat. Well I’d say it takes courage for any feminist woman out there to accept such sentiments.

A simple sit down with a woman who wants to hear more about what lingers in your mind, appreciating how you articulate the language of your heart into words, and drive your dreams to manifest them into tangible reality goes a long way in a man’s book. A woman, who not only listens to your language, but is driven with initiative to act on it, deserves the best kind of love. And a man knows that deep down. Sex will no longer intrigue him the moment he crosses path with such a woman. What will fancy his liking is the desire to cherish quality moments with her, a desire to step forward in unfamiliar waters, chartered by the very few brave souls.

Molded men, often from self-enlightenment, will desire to initiate intimacy. Intimacy to open up hidden doors of love, that didn’t exist before you were acquitted. To connect so deeply that he’ll always be at the back of your mind. To establish a connection that is dangerously vivid even when 5 other women are giving him attention, you are the only one who has his. Another day to such men is nothing but a blessing to love you more, to care for you until you feel heaven on earth. Tailor-making attitudes along the way, learning, step by step, different ways to show you love. When life pushes him back, he has a reason to push back harder! Because of you! He won’t change because of you, but because life has delivered him to the weighing scales. Scales where he has to make a choice to either make one towards you which he will not regret, or take cowardly strides to be the same and lose a perfectly good woman. Not that all women are good, then again neither are they all bad.

At even given time of a man’s life, he knows exactly where he wants to be. And why he feels the desire to be there. Sometimes bad things happen, consistently, but it is at those moments that redefine how he sees you and your position in his life. So why not take your position as a woman and help him glide through murky waters. It might be long and weary, it might happen to the best of you, it might be dark and scary, but at the end of it all even stars shine brighter on a clear sky. He’ll be gentle in loving you, disciplined in loving you yet so motivated in life to bring a difference into your lives. Because of you, he will have the strength and passion to reach for the stars to light up your world. He will be going nowhere without you. You’ll be a compass in his hand.

So at the end of the day, any man who opens his heart to love is brave, yet so foolish in society’s view. For the gentle-wrong-man of the society, even after enjoying the fruity rewards of a woman, they’ll immediately tumble over to long for another woman’s embrace, indulging their lust with her. No matter how hard a gentleman will seek to love and cherish you, the reality of the matter will never change. He will become oblivious, his life destroyed the moment you separate his genitals with his brains. So what if men are compared to dogs? Dogs love unconditionally, loyal to a fault, self-sacrificing, protective of their loved ones, cute and fierce at the same time, a man’s best friend and the most consistent companion. They are known to even wait forever or starve themselves waiting for their master to come back. At extreme ends, dogs take long journeys just to be reunited with their families. The only bad side that crops up is when they are abused and they have to defend themselves with every wit in their bones.

But no, men are gentle creatures, misunderstood by a society that encourages stereotypical set branding and banishes any re-branding efforts to term our men as loving, caring, nurturing and hands down loyal to a cause. 277856

Men, Right?

Practically every man out there wants to fall in love. I don’t mean the buying a girl things and taking her out on rampant dates and traveling. It is about that intense love that gets a man to love a woman, unembarrassed to even talk about you over the casual drinks with the guys in a respectable manner. A place that nurtures a man, nourishes him to be a better version of him. Maybe that’s what it’s all about at times, the feel of belonging in her arms.

It takes a considerable amount of courage for any man to go down on one knee. He’ll have assessed a woman and monitored every angle of her beauty. And no, not physically but emotionally, spiritually just to mention a few. Love is beautiful, but for a man love is a constituent of various variables going from I like your beauty, to I want to impress you, to I love you with all the sorcery in between those stages!

For men to be deemed just physical creatures, i tend to understand that men want the simple precious things of life, not the complicated segments women come with:

If they miss you, they will dial your number up.

If they want to understand you, they will go out of their way to make sure they do.

If they are ever in doubt of something, you will be their go-to woman to seek out advice and possible steps to take.

If they need to meet you, trust that he will initiate everything to the extent of even casually picking you up from your door step, if need be.

No one will ever understand what goes on truly in a man’s mind when in love, until you forego your traditional knows and learn to see him from his perspective. If I can quote Who Moved My Cheese, it says that you should be able to adapt to change quickly, “the quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese”. So why not leave that Stone Age mentality of what a man should be doing if he loves you, and savor your adventure with your man and enjoy the taste of new cheese with him of how he loves you.

Men will often breakdown, behind closed doors, when they are finally alone, why? Because society has brought on us the crown of dealing with the world as a stronger species, yet we are of the same species. Now that is not fair, but life itself is fair for treating each one of us unfairly, right?

Often stress creeps in and lurks behind his mind’s shadows, things get harder without a sight of “relief” anywhere near, and until he finds himself a nurturing woman that brings patience to his life to make him open his eyes that things will indeed get better if you only get through the bad. Assuring him that everything doesn’t have to happen right now but it will happen. She brings to his life, things that he could never buy her because she valued him for things he could only offer from within. So don’t wonder why your man has never broken down in-front of you yet you hear of tales of men who silently breakdown in front of their women behind closed doors. All men need it, that shoulder to cry on once in a while. When their path is destroyed, they will need someone to help them rebuild and prosper, not someone to leave because the taps ran dry.

As a man, one would need a firm support pillar, away from his peers, back at home that cracks due to immense pressure but never yields. A pillar so strong that drives him to jump out of bed each morning to make something out of nothing and return to that very same matrimonial bed satisfied but still hungry for the next day.

As impossible as it may seem, men need guidance. A little bit of push to go the extra mile. A pat the back for every deed done, regardless of its success or not! A bow acknowledging they are indeed loving their women right in their own capable way. A nod for their everyday efforts to be there for a woman they truly love.

Actually a man just needs to be seen. Not to be taken for granted. To be understood that no all will always be rosy with him, but he can help you see the beauty of the thorny parts if you stick around enough. And as sure as the beauty of a sunrise and sunset goes, he will buy you those heavenly-white fresh roses you love so much on the regular.

A man wants woman who keeps his emotions in check, and guides him in a spiritual journey that will not only transform him into a prayerful man, but one who walks with valor in his path because of it. A man will fight to keep a woman who supports him in his mental growth, spiritual strengthening and still have strength to love him.

After all, all that a man wants is a woman who makes him feel secure, remind him every day that he’s the only one she’ll ever want and love, and hold him tight consistently.

So, it’s only fair for man to find a woman that appreciates him for just being him. But then again, life is just that unfair, right?

…Wrong? (Part Two)

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